Assassin's on CRACK!
by Jacob0392
Summary: We all know of Ezio's brotherhood, but do we know what they were like behind the scenes? Rome wasnt built in day and neither was the brotherhood! Please R&R.
1. Kick me signs are NOT cool!

Chapter 1: Kick me signs are NOT cool!

It was an average day in the city of Roma for Ezio Auditore, well if you consider teaching a bunch of complete nitwits the art of the Assassin is average then it was pretty average, for Ezio at least.  
>He had been doing this since he came to the eternal city and it had been getting stressful lately.<br>Just last night he had to have a lengthy lecture with his students about their methods of delivering last rites to recently killed enemies.  
>"Tea bagging, pissing on, drawing obscene art, use as a life size marionette, and especially shouting suck my dick into their faces as they die, are NOT acceptable ways of delivering last rites!" Ezio told the gathered crowd of novices on the roof of the Tiber island hideout. A hand shot up from the crowd which Ezio acknowledged with a nod.<br>"Why?" The brainless hopeful asked.  
>Ezio facepalmed (Always Marcello with the stupid questions) Ezio thought dismally to himself.<br>"Because it's disrespectful to the dead." Ezio replied simply.  
>"So! It's not like their the most respectful people either! You remember how I got here! The Borgia-!" Marcello began but was cut off by Ezio putting up a hand.<br>"Yes! We all know!" Ezio pinched the bridge of his nose as everybody in unison repeated the story they've heard at least a million times now.  
>"The Borgia stole all my booze."<br>"It wasn't just booze it came all the way from _Francia_!" Marcello retorted.  
>"You have all the wine you can drink here<em> idiota <em>now sit down and shut up!" an angry voice belonging to Helena, one of the several female recruits(and one of the only few with some brains in her head) shouted.  
>Marcello hung his head and shame and sat down on the hard stone of the rooftop.<br>"Grazie. Now hopefully without anymore interruptions I can demonstrate the proper way giving of last rites." Ezio said bringing the focus back to the lesson.  
>"Oooh oooh! I wanna play the dead guy!" one voice shouted.<br>"No me!"  
>"Me<em> idiota<em>."  
>"Why you little!"<br>"I'm not little!"  
>"<em>SILENZIO<em>! Since none of you can be trusted I had someone else in mind. Niccolo!" Ezio shouted calling for his right hand man. The odd man came to Ezio's side wearing his usual all black suit.  
>"Why must I always be your practice dummy?" Niccolo asked irritably.<br>"Trust me it'll be fine." Ezio assured.  
>"<em>Toro merda<em>! That's what you said with the smoke bombs! But we all remember how that turned out." Niccolo replied while making explosive noises with his mouth.  
>"Look it's just a simple demonstration on giving last rites. No explosions or fire involved I assure you."<br>Niccolo still looked unsure but laid down in front of Ezio.  
>"Now as you may know our enemies like to taunt us even when dying." Ezio told the students as he gave Niccolo the signal to begin the act.<br>"Where are the rest of your brothers templar?" Ezio asked Machiavelli.  
>"<em>Via a farti fortte figilo de puttana<em>!" Niccolo shot back. Aside from calling his dear mother a whore, Ezio was impressed with Niccolo's acting.  
>"When they do this you are to hear them out, as no man should pass from this life without being heard, and only respond with wisdom never evil." Ezio continued over Niccolo's continuous swearing.<br>"_Maestro_? May I observe this closer." a female voice asked.  
>Ezio looked away from the still cussing Niccolo for the owner of the voice. Normally he would have said no but it was one of his better students Veronica.<br>"Of course_ cara_. Come." He said with a warm smile. He figured that Ms. innocent petite figure with blonde hair and blue eyes would never do such a dumb thing as pull a prank on the Maestro, and plus we all know that Ezio has a soft spot for the ladies. She walked up beside him and laid her hand to rest on his shoulder. Ezio looked up at her and was met with a seductive smile. Ezio returned the smile and went back to the lesson.  
>"One appropriate way to deliver words of wisdom to a fallen opponent would be. <em>Dormire fratello, lasciare tuttu I vostri sacrifici alle spalle, Requiestac en pace<em>." Ezio said as he imitated closing a corpse eyes.  
>"Sleep now! I've been doing that alot lately! With your sister!" Machiavelli spat.<br>Ezio chuckled nervously. Ok Niccolo the demonstration is over."  
>"Oh no the demonstration has just begun!" Niccolo shouted wildly as he jumped up and began dry humping Ezio's leg.<br>"This is what I did to Claudia!" he said.  
>"Niccolo please be mature!" Ezio replied quickly getting frustrated with the insults to his family and the sexual harassment.<br>"Mature! You mean like your mother? Damn! We had a good time last night!" Niccolo said as he continued humping Ezio.  
>"<em>Mia madre è un bastardo santi<em>!" Ezio shouted as he threw Machiavelli into the Tiber.  
>"Wow! You sure showed him!" Veronica said nearly dying of laughter.<br>"No one talks about_ mia madre_." Ezio replied crossing his arms.  
>"You think he's ok?" Veronica asked.<br>"Eh he'll be fine." Ezio reassured. He then turned to face the rest of the recruits. "Well I guess that's all I have for today. You may have the rest of the night off but no staying up late. Class dismissed." Ezio told them. A few went downstairs into the hideout while the rest stayed on the roof to enjoy the cool evening air. Ezio then turned in the direction he had throw Niccolo to make sure he hadn't drowned. As much of a dick Niccolo was at times he was still Ezio's buddy and right hand man.  
>"Maestro?" Veronica said as she walked to his side.<br>"Yes?" He replied.  
>"Can I have a hug!" She asked giggling.<br>"Have you been drinking _cara_?" Ezio asked in confusion at her request.  
>"What? Is there a no hugging policy now?" She asked.<br>"No it just seems a little random." he replied.  
>"So I can have a hug? She asked hopefully.<br>"I suppose so." He said as he held out his arms. Veronica let out a fangirl like squeal and nearly tackle hugged the older man after which she gave him a hearty slap on the back.  
>"See you in the morning<em> Maestro<em>." She said before running off into the hideout giggling.  
>(Wonder what's gotten into her?) Ezio thought as he turned back towards the river to call out to Niccolo.<br>He suddenly heard many footsteps rapidly approaching his direction. It was then he felt the wind flapping something on his back. He reached towards the flapping object and pulled it to his face to examine. When he read the two words 'kick me' his last thoughts before falling into the river were  
>"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"<p>

Ezio shot to the surface gasping for air. "Decide to come for a swim eh?" Niccolo teased from beside him.  
>"Ugh! Shut up<em> idiota<em>!" Ezio snarled pushing Niccolo under.

A/N my first solo fanfic so be nice please :). feel free to offer critique.


	2. Stealing Borgia armor

Chapter 2: Stealing Borgia armor.

Today Ezio planned to steal several Borgia uniforms from an armory in order to use as disguise in upcoming missions. He chose the midday siesta as the time to strike, as most if not all the guards would be napping.  
>He had also decided to bring along two of his novices Luigi and Francesco as they were in need of some practice. La Volpe's men had also left a gondola near the target building for a quick escape.<br>The three Assassins quickly made their way across the rooftops in the direction of the armory with Luigi and Francesco keeping up surprisingly well, that is until the numb nuts had a bright idea.  
>"Hey man I'm gonna use one of those clotheslines to Tarzan swing to the next roof!" Luigi told Francesco as they continued free running.<br>"Sei stupido? Your gonna get hurt! And who the hell is Tarzan?" Francesco said as he tried to keep up the pace.  
>"I think some ape man, probably your mother! Bwahahahahah!" Luigi shouted as he jumped to the nearest clothesline and slashed it free with his hidden blade.<br>"Hey get back here asshole!" Francesco shot as he took to swing on a clothesline. He soon caught up to Luigi and attempted to clock him in the jaw but was unable to due to the large house they had both failed to notice.  
>The duo came crashing through a window into a room. Fortunately their robes protected them from most of the glass, unfortunately the room they crashed into was occupied by a woman of about thirty who happened to be undressed.<br>The two assassins eyes immediately went wide as they noticed the woman, who screamed and dove under her bedsheets at the sight of the two mysterious men.  
>"Somebody help! These men are trying to rape me!" She screamed.<br>"Believe me cara these two idioti couldn't hurt a woman let alone violate one." a voice that Luigi and Francesco quickly recognized as their master's.  
>Ezio stepped in through the window, the broken glass crunching under his feet.<br>"Who are you people!" The woman demanded. She stood wrapping herself in her bedsheets and grabbing a nearby candlestick.  
>"Mi dispace maddona, we were in the middle of a training exercise and-"<br>"Wait a minute! I know you! Your that Assassino the Borgia have been searching for!" She said quickly backing up.  
>"Oh Dio, please don't call the guards were in enough merda as it is!" Francesco begged.<br>"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't?" The woman retorted.  
>"Now now, I'm sure there's something we can work out." Ezio offered. His calm voice seemed to loosen her up a bit<br>"I'm listening." the woman replied.  
>"First off, you both wait outside I'll deal with the two of you momentarily.<br>"Si Maestro" they responded in unison before scurrying out the window.  
>One hour later...<br>Luigi and Francesco had been waiting for Ezio for the past hour and were beginning to think something may have had happened to their master. They were both about go check on him but stopped once they saw the familiar figure of their master leaping from the window into a conveniently placed haystack. They quickly rushed to the haystack as Ezio jumped out.  
>"Finally! What took so long?" Luigi asked. "She was err... A very intense negotiator." Ezio replied dusting the hay from himself.<br>"What happened to your neck?" Francesco asked pointing to a bruise like mark on his master's neck.  
>"It's a uhhhh. Birthmark." Ezio stammered pulling his collar up to cover his 'birthmark'.<br>"It kinda looks like a hic-"  
>"Enough, let's get back to the mission!"<p>

They had finally reached their destination and were relieved to see that their were no guards. Looks like Cesare was getting careless.  
>Luigi and Francesco were gathering several boxes upstairs until one of the boxes they lifted triggered the buildings primitive bell burglar alarm.<br>"Oh merda!" they both shouted as they grabbed what they could and made their way to the stairs. They found their path was blocked by a really mean looking dog.  
>Ezio, who had been outside loading a few boxes into the boat heard the commotion.<br>"For fucks sake!" He growled as he cocked his hidden gun and ran into the building.  
>"Where the fuck are you two?" he shouted looking around the room. He didn't need to wait for a response as he could hear them upstairs.<br>He dashed up the stairs as quickly as he could and saw the dog chasing his dimwitted apprentices. He ran in between them trying to get a shot off. Francesco bumped into him causing Ezio to accidentally fire his gun.  
>"AH FUCK! I'M FUCKIN SHOT!"<p>

Luigi and Francesco jumped into the boat with their master limping behind them, alarm bells were ringing throughout the city at this point.  
>"Just a second you dicks! My fuckin foots killin me you idioti!" he shouted jumping into the boat throwing the boxes he carried at the two idiots.<br>"Ok were goin to a doctor! Were goin to a doctor!" Francesco said trying to calm Ezio down.  
>"Were not goin to the fuckin doctor did you forget about the guards fucking ritardare! Just look at my fucking foot!" Ezio shouted.<br>"It's a flesh wound!" Luigi said.  
>"Somebody got the oar! I can't find the oar." Francesco said looking around for the oar.<br>"Francesco get us the fuck out of here!" Ezio shouted.  
>"We got to walk! Get your shit we gotta walk!" Francesco shouted giving up on looking for the lost oar."<br>"Idioti! I'm sick of this merda!" Ezio growled as he limped out of the boat. 


	3. Yet another reference

Today was an average day in the city of Roma, except some serious shit was about to go down. At the edge of a square in the Centro district a crowd stood gathered, only this was no ordinary crowd. These were the dreaded Assassins: Bane of the Borgia and sworn enemies of the Templar's. Their leader, Ezio Auditore walked to the front of the group.

"_Insieme per la vittoria_!" He cried rousing many cheers from his underlings. After the cheering died down Ezio began speaking.

"Today we we bring the fight to the Borgia! We attack them where it hurts!"

"Yeah in the nuts!" Marcello shouted only to receive a slap and scolding from Helena for interrupting. Ezio nodded a thank you in her direction before continuing. "Now listen carefully as we cannot afford any mistakes."

"Veronica and Helena." He said gesturing to the two women. "I want the two of you to flank around from both sides. Luigi and Francesco you two come in from the rear and-" "Hell no! We're not gay!" The two responded simultaneously. "I'm referring to the battle plan _idioti_!" Ezio replied angrily facepalming, at this point Ezio must have had a large bruise on his forehead. "Moving on, you two attack from the rear while I lead the rest up the center. I will use that intimidating eagle screech that for some odd reason sounds every time I do a leap of faith to scatter and confuse them so we don't have to fight them all at once." Ezio said.

"That's the plan stick too it and we should be ok." He continued as he noticed a novice to his left jump in the air for no apparent reason. He ignored this and turned to his right hand man. "Niccolo give me a number crunch real quick." Niccolo thought for a moment before replying. "I'm looking at 32 er .33, repeating of course, percent." Ezio pondered this a moment before nodding. "_Bene_, it's a good plan so lets just-"

Suddenly an unfamiliar novice rushed to the center of the group with a crazed look in his eyes. "Alright hoods up let's do this! LEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOY JENKINS!" The man shouted as he charged straight into the square waving his sword like a madman. The rest of the Assassins stood bewildered. "Figlio di un cane! Stick to the plan!" Ezio shouted bolting forward, The rest of the Assassins struggling to keep up.

The Assassins were met by several Papal Guards and soldiers and a fierce fight ensued.

"Stick to the plan! Stick to the plan!" Ezio cried frantically as he fought off several guards. The Apprentices werent faring much better. "Fall back! ill hold them off." he shouted to Niccolo who ran to organize the novices into a tactical withdrawl. Suddenly Ezio felt a sharp pain in his thigh. He looked down to see that he had been stabbed in the leg and it was bleeding profusely.

&%#dammit Leeroy!" Ezio shouted as his vision began to blur. "It's not my fault!" Came a muffled reply from a haystack. Ezio gritted his teeth. "Leeroy you are stupid as fu-" He began before his reply was cut short by the pommel of a sword bashing the back of his head.

"At least I have chicken!"

A/N Don't flip out everyone! Ezio is fine he just got knocked da fuck out and his dipshited apprentices gotta bust him out. I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile life's been hell but ill try to get some more updates ASAP. And sorry if this is kind of lame I just thought it'd be funny and i needed a filler chapter. Please R&R.


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